No Sleep...

Somedays we just have to grin and bear it. Last night no one in my house slept. No one. Eric and I were up with a little boy ready to play at 1-2 am. Did he want milk? nope. All he wanted was to play. I tried putting him back into his crib and he would just scream. (which doesnt help my head) So back into bed with us he went. That lasted all of 30 minutes or so before back to his crib he went. Finally, sleep caught the baby. However, he was still up at 6 this morning ready to go. I need caffeine and a nap..... lol.

Tonight is date night!!! Our first date night since having a baby! (this has been going on since Elliot was 3 months old and nursing...not a lot of time for dates. Im super excited. A dinner alone without having to feed or worry about a baby. Ahh the life. Come home and baby will be in bed (hopefully). Now the key is for me to take a nap so that Im not ready for bed by 6pm. lol. (thats the norm for me lately)

I think all of us '3 little schmits' may be signed up for an afternoon nap today. I know Im definitly dragging, and its only 9:49. I did find a new tea thats awesome. Its chocolate/peppermint tea. Has that hint of chocolate but no calories or sugar! I think I found my perfect substitiute for all the chocolate junk food Ive been craving. And Yes, Im still battling the sugar cravings. Im always hungry thanks to these dumb steroids and sugar is the only thing that sounds good. My new favorite thing is to eat pistachios. Healthy alternative and they take me forever to get the shells off. (which is a good distraction).

I also learned a new skill this week! I taught myself how to crochet a flower. So I now can make a beanie with a flower on it. WOOOHOOO.... Im currently working on earflaps to my beanie. That is proving more challenging for some reason. Well I hope everyone has a great day! Ill let ya know how the date goes. :)

Tuesdays are always fun..

Not much going on today. We saw the hospice nurse today. This week no new changes to my meds or anything. We are going to stay with what we have been doing and see how that works for us. Its been a week of relatively low to no pain, so its a win!

Ive been doing loads of 'spring' cleaning the past few days. We cleaned out our garage and got the attic organized. I may sound like a dork, but having a nice, clean, tidy garage makes me happy. We can actually find stuff!!! And use the extra space! Granted its added a few new projects, as I find books of books and sentimental items to go thru, get rid of etc. It didn't take long. Just the equivalent of an Elliot nap. I even managed to get some new pictures hung on the wall. (by me I mean Eric got them hung up)

The steroids are still taking their toll on me. Fat face, no sleep, hungry all the dang time. Its like i can't win. Its like they solve everything in the doctors mind. So they are hesitant to take me off of them. I woke up the other morning having slept eaten a little debbie snack! I don't remember getting up and even getting the food. Im hopefully going to get that handled. :) No wonder Ive gained weight

Thats all I have for now. If anything else new comes up I will let you know.

Errands and Cold!

Not a lot going on here at the Schmit home. We have been trying to catch up on sleep, and stay warm. I finally had to accept a sleep aid to help with my sleep issues. It has been a god send. I have finally after what feels like weeks of no sleep, slept. I still wake up multiple times a night, but Im sleeping deeper and better.

We did get out yesterday, and ran an errand or two. Lately as much as I want to get out of the house once Im out, all I want to do is go home. Im starting to have some anxiety issues being out. My nurse says its normal. Between the meds that make me dizzy, my eyesight getting worse, the headaches, and me not doing loud noises you can't blame a girl for getting a bit anxious in crowded/ loud situations. Ive never had issues like this before so this is new territory for me. Everyone that knows me knows, Im quite social. Anymore its just easier to stay home where I can 'escape' to a quiet place. All that said, the errands went quickly as I was ready to get back home. I had to get my wedding band fixed as I had a small diamond fall out.  :( apparently I had managed to brea or dent the part that keeps the diamond in. Luckily its all under warranty and will be fixed!!

As for the weekend we don't have anything big planned. WE just have been taking everything a day at a time. Ive ben doing spring cleaning. Working on final baby proofing so that we  can open up more space for the baby to run around in. The true test is just when you think you're done to let the kiddo in and see what trouble he can get into. Shockingly took him 24 hrs to decide to try to climb the changing table. (it has no drawers just baskets) So now we are on the look for a normal dresser. Normal dresser should be much much harder to try to climb. I think we would have much more time before he's able

Its a bird! Its a plane! Nope…Its a flying Mommy!

So I managed one whammy of a fall a few days agao. Before the panic sets in, it had nothing to do with the tumors, cancer, dizzying effects of the drugs of the cancer….this was caused by one very very handful of a little boy. 

My son is a climber. Ive never seen a toddler climb the way he does, so its a constant watchful eye, and new baby proofing methods. (he figures ways around things quickly) For those that have seen him in action understand, that all Eric and I do all day is constantly make sure this kid isn't trying to take a flying leap off something new. You can turn around and he will be standing on the coffee table. Or trying to throw himself fro the recliner to the lamp. His newest thing is wanting to try to climb into the recliner, stand there, then try to climb over the back of it to freedom. There is a baby gate back there so that he cannot go into the kitchen. (allows safety for the kid, and a safe place for my dog to run to).

Back tot the story….I was standing there next to the recliner about to sit down and play with the kid. Eric was a room away. Next thing I know I see a baby flying, so I run over to catch. I catch the baby, and sorta push him aside safely. I get the brut tram of the fall. I slide thru the baby gate and onto the tile face first. I landed quite literally on my face. I learned that mommies don't bounce. :).

There is sit. Trying to access the situation. Elliot unhurt but crying, me hurt and crying, but trying to see if I can get up before Eric comes back and panics. The situation ended up as such, I had a bloody nose, a slightly blackened eye or two, and a bruised knee. This morning my robe hurt, but nothing is broken. Ive taken plenty of falls in my day, but man this one hurt. Im very lucky that I didn't get hurt or hurt the baby. Eric came straight to my side, picked us up, cleaned us up and got us all put back together again. Granted…that has meant an entirely new headache for me  now. Now my face hurts lol. 

This is one of those things that can happen to any care giver of a small child. Mine is just pushing his boundaries. Luckily for for it scared him enough he hunt tried it agin. I do have a climber on my hands though. So clock is a ticking as to where his next stunt will be preformed….he has been determined to try to ride the dog longer or leaping the coffee table to couch. More baby proofing is in order!!! Im almost determined to remove all furniture from my house. Toddlers….always keeping us on our toes. 

(DISCLAIMER) (even though I fell we are relatively un hurt) We monior him like a hawk. I have baby gates and baby proofing done, but as many can attest if you have a cliber they will find their way over or around what you put in place. Our system is evolving. We do say no, and we do time out, and he knows the words "No" and "On your Bottom!" but they call them the terrible 2's for  reason I believe that is a test of wills and boundaries. What WILL they let me do, and how long before they give up. Eric and I refuse to the the kid win at this new game of his. So we are up,  on the move blocking shots until this passes. Prayers for our sanity are welcome. 

Sitting inside the toy boy, in front of the gate I fell over/thru. The gate was locked at the time. 

Food? Snacks? Food? COOOOKKKIIIIEEEE

Once again Im  up burning the midnight oil. Cant sleep, yet sleepy, and have the munchies like crazy. What a life… they told me just to eat. Whatever sounds good, when I want, and however much. My weight fluxes so much these days it doesn't matter. The weight is all due to the meds. Steroids to be exact. It falls off once I stop taking them, so for now Its reminding me of the book title "Eat, Pray, Love". Check 1, 2, and 3 for me!!

I had 2 lovely women stop by the house and drop off my favorite foods the other day. SHOCK! My grandmother showed up with 2 bowls full of chicken salad for sandwiches. Then my aunt stopped by with her famous crab appetizer I love. I actually cried once when she didn't make it at a holiday meal. They 'say' they were helping me find healthier 2 am snack options….I know they just love to spoil me. And I will take  it!!! And OH MY….the food was amazing. I have scraps left. Scraps. Elliot loved it too. He is one happy little boy with chicken salad. yumm….

We are doing pretty good otherwise. Ive gotten back to being able to eat chocolate. This time in moderation. Moderation is key but after a rough day that may or may not go out the window. I just realized this entire post is on food. That said we have plenty of sweets right now!!! I appreciate all the donations to my sweet tooth habit, Im just still trying to find places to store it all. My kitchen is a little kids dream. Sbeesb… okay Im done for tonight. Othersiwe a fridge raid is in rode.]]

Rough Nights

Once again getting meds under control is an art form. Just enough to be pain free, sleep, but also be able to function. Sheesh…so much to ask for. That said last night was rough for me. I was sleepy but had to keep getting up thinking I was going to be ill. (luckily all is good now). I just have that residual still tired from not sleeping. ….the endless cycle. Ive been relaxing all day to at least try to get some of that energy back. Seems like Im a broken record most days. Oh well….

Todays been good over all though. Elliot has suddenly decided to start talking up a storm. The newest phrase is "oh boy!". He said that when we opened the door yesterday for the nurse. He has me cracking up. Other times he's really really really trying to say something, and the fact we can't understand what he's saying frustrates the heck of him. What he's spitting out of his mouth daily amuses and scares me a bit. All too soon he's going to be chatting our ears off. (I know I know….Im a talker myself payback for all the times I did this to my parents) but hey he's sweet. 

I really did luck out with an easy going baby. Yes he's a climber, but overall he's been an easy baby. Which is what we neededed at this time in our lives. A lower key child to be able to handle chaos well. He's not shy, maybe cautious, but not shy by any stretch. He does well at doctors offices and other 'grown up situations'. Im sure many people initially dread seeing us walk in, but then  end up surprised. I do feel we can take him just about anywhere. That said, we are hitting that 2 yr old stage. His stubborn moments have us taking a deep breath or 10, and realize he's a baby. lol. 

But back to me… :). Im taking today to relax sit here, randomly napping and trying to keep off my feet. These new meds make me loopy or high as a kite. I will say its a nice change of pace to the pain option. For now? Im going to try to take a cat nap before I get distracted again.

Here we are again..

Wide awake in the early morning hours, and can't sleep. Thank you steroids. Not to mention thank you munchies. Not that Id even call this munchies…all out HUNGRY!!! I hate it. They added the steroids back to help my head, yet now I can't sleep, Im eating like crazy, thus gaining the steroid weight look back, and now my muscles are starting to get weak again (walking). RAWR!!!

All this progress we made with my energy, and strength coming back I feel starting to fade again. Im also starting to get overwhelmed a bit. As a side effect of my head. (they say is normal) the pain is worst around noise and people. Its as if all of the sudden the room is too gig, my head starts swimming, sharp pressure is all over my forehead and behind my eyes, not to mention my eyesight starts to go white, and I just loose it. I wanna cry, yell, scream, and bury myself into a hole. Granted I guess anyone would when the pain hits like that. The nurse says is overstimulation and how the brain tumors work….Point is for me?? Its happening more and more. I snapped at my mom the other day and felt TERRIBLE for it. Last night? My awesome hubby. So now they are trying a new mix of pills with a slight dose of anxiety drugs. Ive hit that point of anxiety.

I don't care what you call it as long as we get my crazy under control. I don't enjoy feeling that way. Granted I don't enjoy any of this, but Im trying to take it into stride.

I got out of the house for a bit yesterday! I went out with mom shopping. I didn't get anything (not the reason I went) I just enjoyed walking store to store outside in the 60 degree weather. It was lovely. The short walk wore me out, but after all this ice and snow I couldn't resist a stroll in the warmth. Once home, we had a quick play date with another couples little girl. She is just 3 months older than my little guy. They had a blast playing with toys. She's not so much into the RC car toy that Elliot had to play with, but they did bond over the love of goldfish, and elmo. It was quite the kiddie play date. :)

So thats it for now. Tomorrow/Today I try again. This time we are going to get some healthy 1am snacks into the pantry. My 2am wakeup calls are currently fueled by little debbie snacks. :) While yes I threw away my gummie worms, sweet tarts, sour patch kids, I kept the good stuff. I can limit myself on little debbies……not so much the other stuff. I was eating that daily by the bag. Little debbies much easier to portion control. (not to mention Eric stacked most the boxes too high, so it requires me really asking) lol. No hiding food! Good night, and thanks for letting me rant.

I did find a few good things at my parents this weekend…..

Me, My sister, and Elliot Christmas 2013.

Found the nightlight to my nursery when I was a kid! Totally just wrote my blog by creepy clown light! 

Interesting Read

So I got to thinking about my intense sugar cravings lately. Then I got to reading. I discovered that brain tumors LOVE sugar. The research is there. Eric and I read and read. There are studies that have shown how the brain in general reacts to sugar, and how eliminating sugar from diet helps many brain disorders. (cancer included). All of this makes sense to me. My scans all deal with the tumors soaking up the sugar to light up a scan. Why wouldn't diet also have an effect of some sort?

Well they found that reducing the amount of sugar cancer patients eat can help shrink tumors. Granted this isn't always the case. But in rats and humans brain tumors were some of the most sensitive to the sugar changes. I have been craving sugar like crazy the past few weeks. (coincidence likely) but seriously its out of hand. Tonight I threw it all away. Well 99% of it. I left some for company etc. But I threw away all of the stuff I can't deny.

Starting tomorrow morning Im going to stop drinking soda and drastically reduce my sugar intake. They say that for a brain cancer patient the atkins diet can make a huge difference. I think Im going to model my new diet after that. Ive never been a fan of such a drastic change, but if it will help my brain tumors go down (which is a side effect) Im game. Ive been fighting pain daily and it got worse when I started on my latest sugar binge. Im adding the two together and putting a stop to it. What do I have to loose at this point? That said, if Im really really really craving something Im not going to deny myself. I will follow the diet but lets be honest as a hospice patient nows not really the time to deny myself a cheeseburger if thats what Im craving for a few days. :) Im not crazy.

I did start working out again today. They upped my meds to combat pain (again) and Im terrified of loosing my muscle tone again, and not being able to walk or potty by myself. I just recovered from that! I can tell that the days Im not active my mobility decreases drastically. Im not willing to let what Ive gained thru physical therapy go to waste again. So I managed a 20 minute workout video. Low impact, yoga, on a yoga ball, and Im wiped. I feel like a pansy. HA easy peasy workout, and Im bone tired. I did giggle a bit to myself. I keep thinking that most people with the diagnosis of only a few weeks/months to live, on hospice, would not be working out or trying to eat healthier. It made me chuckle a bit. Here I am on the floor attempting to do a crunch when a few weeks ago I couldn't get out of a chair without help…..I must be crazy.

Well I guess Ill just be crazy and try to stay 'healthy' as long as possible…..

Nurse Check in Day!

Tuesdays are always interesting. That is the day where my hospice workers come and visit. Check vitals, meds, all the good stuff. We are still fighting the no pain fight. I have headaches daily that we are still trying to get under control. Basically, I have built up a tolerance to the pain meds so they just are not working like they used to. We are trying new stuff to get me back to a good level. Im okay as long as the noise level stays low, and not a lot of stimulation goes on. If Im out in public too long, or things get loud Im done for. Back home to the quiet fortress! (Elliot tends to be on the quiet side so he's good) That said they are getting together (hospice team) and calling me back tomorrow morning with my new script. Hopefully it will get me back to no pain.

I have the pain behind my eyes all along my forehead. Its a deep pressure, that sometimes spikes red hot. I also see white spots in my vision. (fun stuff!) My balance is okay, and my strength seems steady. I have been able to walk without a cane for a week or so. So it seems my walking has improved for now. Its always a day by day basis. Other than the pain, and eye stuff I feel pretty good.

They upped my steroids last week to help the pain. My face has already blown backup to steroid face, and I gained 5 lbs. Woo hook for the munchies. I really hate the steroids. They don't allow me to sleep, blow up my face, and give me weird eating habits. One week Ill gain, the next not be hungry and loose too much. Add that to the muscle loss that will follow and Ill be back to a weakling before too long. The steroids really do just eat away the muscles in my legs. Im trying to stay up and moving to keep my strength up.

With the extra energy I have lately, I managed to organize every cabinet, and closet in the house. Its like spring cleaning! I literally have nothing left to organize or clean. (well unless the garage counts, but its below zero out there ) Id tackle the garage if it was a tad warmer, if my hubby would let me…haha.

For now I plan on trying to take it easy. Maybe get the family out to the museum this week. Chek our the new paintings they just got. (I have yet to even visit since they opened) I thought it might be a fun experience….19 month old in an art museum who am I kidding???

Hair

I got a new wig this week! I actually after not having hair for over a year now, went to a wig shop, and got a wig. (thank you mom!) It wasn't the experience I quite expected. There are not many wig shops around here, or so I discovered. There were 2 women that were working the store, and we had the place to ourselves. I tried on 6 or 7 wigs and settled on a darker one than I had planned. Over all Im happy! I think it looks good, along with my hubby so thats all that matters.

My real hair is growing back, slowly. Its growing in what I call patches. Some white blonde, some black, some brown. I call it old man head. Very soft fine hair, whisky, but multi colored. At least its starting to grow back. Thats a perk. Im interested to see how it morphs into one color-ish. After radiation and the pills that made it fall out, who knows what it will look like.

The Dillards Sale….

I had no idea what the Dillard's sale really was all about. I had a crash course in it today. So mom and I had heard they had an AWESOME sale new years day. We arrived bright and early, and there was a line to get into the store. (oh my) We were seriously thinking how bad could it be? Well, I managed to get pushed by 3 different people (and am amazed I didn't fall). When I walked in I immediately moved off the beaten path. Out of the way of the crazies. That was when the first lady pushed me, as I had been standing still, and said something along the lines of 'move'. SERIOUSLY!? I was standing in a corner out of the way looking at a sweater!!!! How dare she touch me let alone push?? I just said "excuse me, I was looking at something."

I then made it to the shoes/bag department. BIG mistake. Mom and I promptly found our way out. More pushing, shoving etc. It was chaos. Women carrying 3 purses to an arm, hoarding pairs of shoes to try on. It was madness. I don't understand how people get worked up for junk. I mean ultimately thats all it is. We can't take it with us when we die. Its a bag/ boot. There is no need to be rude or pushy. Mom and I had to leave. I couldn't deal with the sheer volume of people. That and I wasn't willing to get hurt over it.

We ventured around the mall, and did end up doing some shopping. Key is we waited for the initial masses to roll thru. I had many more rude encounters with people thru the day. Once when we approached a bench, and lady running up and saying "hey we were sitting there"… our response? "no you weren't". lol. They were not sitting! They were walking up just as we were. No to mention we were just re-arranging bags and not going to sit anyway! Point is…people are nutty. I will not attempt that again. It was worse or just as bad as some black friday events, and I avoid those.

Overall, I had a fun time people watching, and spending time with my Mom. That said….I will not be joining her again on such an outing. #1 too dangerous for me, as Im not steady on my feet. #2 just not worth it.

I am exhausted from my outing. We had just upped my pain meds yesterday to try to get everything back on track. As of right now Im tired, my head, and feet hurt. Im about to call it a night. Tomorrow I plan on a lounge day. Sleeping in, and just trying to recover. When mom said Dillards sale I know its more like where hoards of women go to wage war.