13 Months Old

Elliot is 13 months old. His attitude the past couple weeks has changed. Suddenly to let me out of his sight is cause for distress. Hes never had issues with this before, but now if Im walking away or out of sight shrill screaming begins. Hes also decided that he prefers to feed himself. If he cant do it, then he throws it on the floor. If the dog is nearby, hes guaranteed to throw it on the floor. This has made mealtimes challenging.

He still refuses to wave bye bye at people. If you catch him in the right mood he will do it. Strangers dont seem to understand why he wont wave. (heck I wouldnt wave at the strange Target cashier either). He says 'dog' now consistently. Well his word for dog, sometimes the G is a struggle. All milestones are being met. Hes quite the happy, healthy little boy. At times he trys my patience. 5-6 am wake up calls are rough, but we are managing. :)

He got on the rocking plane all by himself! 

Just my luck

So last night I didnt sleep well. Not for lack of trying (I assure you). The poor dog was sick. I kept waking up having to clean up after him. No worries hes okay today. But thats no fun rushing a dog out at 4am.

This morning was a lazy day. We finally got around and I managed to stub my toe cleaning up toys. Stub isnt the right word, I broke my pinky toe. It is a flaming ball of pain, and has been for approx 10 hours now. I feel like its just my luck. I get to walking daily, getting in shape, and BAM broken toe. It hurts to walk. I did realize that wearing my Birkenstock sandals seems to help, but barefoot about kills me. Gotta love it. 

So after getting around we went and walked around the mall. I always carry sunscreen with me. Never know what may happen right? Well today, the sunscreen was missing from the bag. The diaper bag/ bag of things I tote everywhere. The mom bag. Snacks, toys, wet wipes, and usually 2 types of sunscreen. I wear sunscreen daily, but if we are out and about I frequently re apply. No such luck today. Now, Im fair skinned. I burn easily, and being a stage 4 melanoma patient Im determined to always wear it. Today, it was missing from the bag. Im a bit pink from just a bit of time outside, and am feeling guilty. Elliot is okay, as I kept him in the shade of his stroller. The mommy is not. BAD melanoma patient. BAD! 

So yes today has been an awesome lucky day for me. Dog vomit, broken toe, slight pink sunburn. Today has been awesome. Im gonna lay on the couch, maybe fall asleep, and hope tomorrow is better. 

Life changes

Im officially a vegetarian. Those that are around me know its been something Ive been trying to do for a few months now. This past weekend was the first time Ive had meat in months. The texture almost made me ill. Ive had a few bites of meat since drastically changing my diet. Each time hasnt been a fun experience. Its just something that I think happens after being meat free for a while. The taste and texture just dont do it for me anymore. Ive tried many different veggie recipes and found that its totally doable, while getting enough protein. What also helps is Elliot hates meat, so this helps me feed him what we eat. 

The reason Im doing this is because research shows vegetarian diets are best for people with cancer, and/or recovering from cancer. There is just too much info out there about people do better in recovery and remission rates on a meatless diet. I cant afford not doing this. Its for me, and my family. I really do want to stick around for a while. 

I have found that the key to doing this type of diet right is to be open minded, and try new things. We have tried quite a few recipes I wouldnt normally be open to. My mom made me meatless meatloaf the other day, Elliot and I couldnt get enough. I dont want to be a cargo-terian, and only eat pastas etc. I really worry about not having a well rounded diet. So we make sure to have plenty of protein etc. That can be a struggle. I feel a lot better eating this way. Less tummy aches, less general 'blah' feeling. Hopefully, this is a road to better health. 

Sweet Child of Mine

My child has been a bit of a food challenge lately. All he wants to do is feed himself. He refuses all food that he cannot pickup and eat. We are still working on teaching him how to use a spoon. For the most part all he does when handed a spoon is fling food all over me. What happens is he may eat a few bites I feed him, then scream bloody murder at me until I give in and let him try. This usually results in me being covered in food, or him throwing the spoon and food on the floor. (good times) I know that parenting means patience. But really, Im tired of every meal and snack getting yelled at. As soon as he gets what he wants he stops. Itll pass...just as soon as those pesky baby hands figure out how to use the spoon. Until then....Im going to take a few lovely pictures that remind me to laugh at the situation.

Attempting to get Healthy

Seems like every day I feel a bit more energy. We have started walking daily, in addition to whatever we are doing for the day. Key is starting to make it a habit, load the baby up in the stroller, and go for a walk. We don't go far, only 1.6 miles, but it feels like 10 miles for me. Its may not seem like much, but after 2 surgeries, radiation, and yervoy infusions thats a long distance. It feels good.

To add to our health quest, my newest purchase is a fitbit flex. Its a handy little bracelet that tracks my steps for the day, quality of sleep, calories burned etc. It lets me know on a normal day how active I am, vs whatever goal I have for myself. It all lays out online on a graph by day, week etc. Its a nice visual, and provides a good goal for where I want to be. I can also compete with friends who have the fit bit as well. (Im a tad competitive) :) Im super excited to see my progress.

So ultimately Ive been starting to really see a shift in how I feel. However, nights are still rough. Im having nerve pain in my hand, arm, and back. It all seems to really impact me at night when Im attempting to sleep. It keeps me up, and some nights are worse than others. The past few nights Ive been in pain and only gotten 2-3 hours of sleep. I feel back to square one on that front. Pain meds dont touch it. They make me sleepy and in pain, and unable to sleep. Not a fun combo. Id rather just suffer in pain, and not be sleepy than be exhausted and unable to sleep. That just makes me angry and frustrated. Im talking to the doctor tomorrow to up the does on my nerve meds. That should hopefully help.

Overall, Im doing okay. Better than Ive been in a while. Still a work in progress. Still nervous about my upcoming scan, and the possibility of bad news. Im just trying to see the positive. For now, Im just working on taking a few extra steps a day, and eating better.

Birthdays and Such

Today is my birthday. I had a lovely morning and lunch with my two favorite people (my boys). I then spent the afternoon with my mom, and now am winding down for the evening. As a stage 4 cancer patient I keep being told that this is a huge event. I guess Ive been oblivious to its significance until today. As my husband enlightened me. I really do try not to dwell on the bad stuff. But its hard not to think about it when family brings it up.

I keep being asked what I want for my birthday. What gift? There comes a point in your life that you really just dont want or need anything. Its just stuff. Id much rather do something fun with my family than collect more stuff. Then again when a major life altering event occurs, it changes a persons perspective. So here I am, and all I can think about it spending time tomorrow with my kid at the park. Thats all I truly want, a nice afternoon with my baby and hubby, and maybe a visit to my favorite food truck. :)

Lots of Questions

Today was my 6 week follow up from my lung surgery. I went in knowing that I was getting a chest x-ray, and a talk with the doctor. My mom took me in so Eric could go to work. So off I went to chest x-ray. While they were reading the scans I thought they looked a bit off. They took us back to an exam room, where suddenly my oncologist appears. He asks me to step outside and look at my chest x-ray with him. (this is odd)... come to find out the x-ray did indeed look odd. There were markers there that were not on my last chest x-ray. He proceeded to explain that the chest surgeon thought my xray also looked odd, and that we needed an immediate CT scan. My doctor explained that it could be cancer, inflammation, or an infection causing the odd x-ray, but that the ct would help discover the issue. At this time he also advises me to call my husband and get him up here ASAP.

So I called and freaked my husband out. This is his worst nightmare. I get rushed off to the lab for blood work, and a CT. After the scan we get put into another exam room to wait. At this time we are worried. I had not thought that it would happen this quickly, my next Pet scan is 3 weeks away. I had time to worry etc.

The doctor finally came into the room. He explained that the CT looked okay, as the radiologist said it appeared to look like normal post op healing with some inflammation. Nothing to worry about. My first question was "well if its normal why didnt the chest surgeon see that on the X-ray?" The room went silent. It seemed as if we had stumped the doc. I think its a valid question myself. He never responded to it. Basically we got the run around that there are more spots in my right lung, but no official reason as to why. Ive had 2 other post op xrays, and those didnt have any red flags. Why this one? So now we have the hurry up and wait response. Wait a few more weeks until a pet scan. Meanwhile, my doc said I should rest easy tonight. I told him "nope, now I get to worry. Nothing here is conclusive." Its the truth, we got no answers today. All we got was unnecessary worry. I never even got to see the chest surgeon!!! He never came into my room, or even got to talking to me about how Im doing post op.

I feel as if the medical staff abandoned me, simply because they didnt have an answer. They would rather me wait until next month for a pet scan than conclude as to anything right now. Its very early for the tumors to be growing back if that is indeed the case. The whole situation is odd. So instead of good news we got EHHH news. Back to hurrying up to wait. We have so many questions now.

We did get told that they had a meeting tonight with the chest clinic and all the oncologists in the practice. They would be reviewing my case again, and looking at todays scans. I dont see how this is going to help. Maybe someone will notice something different. Maybe someone will have an opinion. Im not holding my breath on a phone call. I just have to wait until next month for my scans. Then we can move forward again.

Only my child...

Ive been known to be chatty. About 5am I hear the baby monitor go off, and all I hear is "Da da, ma ma, blah blah, gah gah, da da" over and over and over. He chatted to himself for approx an hour and a half. Finally, when I couldnt take anymore, and realized hes not going back to sleep, I got get him. He proceeds to keep chatting. There is no stopping boy wonder. He jabbered my ears off. All I wanted was to sleep in a bit, but nooooooo. I know, this is payback for me waking my parents up to play at 2 am when I was a kid. 

Once up, he proceeded to throw all of this breakfast in the floor, breakdown 2 baby gates, and run me ragged.

When is nap time???? 

Splash Pad

Today we spent time playing with Elliot's splash pad. Its the first time we've had it out since he got it for his birthday. He wasnt too sure about it at first, but ended up loving it. The only down side, is cold hose water plus a slight breeze made it a slight bit chilly for him. So what felt like 30 minutes of getting a baby ready to go outside equaled about 10 minutes of fun, before going back inside. (yes we wore 50 spf baby sunscreen)

All in all little man had a blast playing today. I think we are going to have to get a baby pool for the house now. He really wanst ready to come in side, even though he was shivering.

Elliot's 1 year checkup!

Elliot saw the pediatrician this week. He is a whopping 23 lbs, and quite healthy. I think we are our doctors favorite patients. When asked what Elliot eats he was shocked when we told him that elliot prefers veggies and fruits. He eats no meat, and hates sweets. (weird kid) :) So he got his 1 year shots, and a clean bill of health. I think my favorite part was the nurse trying to bribe Elliot after shots. She asked to give him a sucker (uhhh hes 1 lady. no sucker) then asked if he wanted a sticker (once more...he has NO CLUE what a sticker is) .... so she settled on giving us a coupon for a free TCBY ice cream. :) THAT is something this kiddo will enjoy. He loves ice cream.

So the past 24 hours have resulted in a cranky boy. Hes running a slight fever after shots, but thats normal for him. Hes doing good though. Tonight he was quite comical during dinner. I have proof....

Rough Days

Ok, Ill admit Ive been pretty cool, calm, and collected about this whole cancer diagnosis. I may have lost it recently. I should be thankful for where I am at. Even the fact that Im here to complain is a huge deal. Typically people with my diagnosis only have a max of 10 months to live. Yet, here I am about to celebrate my birthday. Its amazing really.

Today was one of those days. A day where it all hits, and nothing seems to go right. A day that makes up for all the cool, calm, collected days. Its pathetic really, Im alive and in remission yet complaining about what Ive lost in the process. I still struggle to read even the simplest of things. Night time reading to Elliot is a challenge for me. Sad when "Cat in the Hat" is tough, when at a very young age I was reading above a college reading level. Sad for the fact that I dont recognize myself in the mirror. Sad that my original life plan has forever been altered. Then at the end of it, I get upset that Im upset. I know I should be happy for where I am today. Today, Im in remission and on the mend from a huge surgery. Today, I walked 1.6 miles at a decent pace. It was the first real workout Ive had in a long time. I need to focus on the good and not the bad.

I try to keep this blog about whats going on, the good and the bad. Im trying to be honest with myself and everyone reading. Cancer sucks. Its a long road of battling, and healing. Sometimes the physical scars are not the only scars we bear. Sometimes the emotional ones are just as deep. 99% of the time Im in a good place. For some reason this morning was just one of the rough mornings.

Baby Chasing!

Today we had a mini photo shoot for Elliot! Now, the big challenge is getting a toddler to sit still long enough to take a picture to two. OH MY! Our photographer, Jennifer from Piece of Hart, is amazing. She is very patient, and worked well with my little man. When I couldnt get him to do what we wanted, she was able to get him to somehow re-focus.

We realized that Elliot hates cake. We tried to do a cake smash with him (kid smashes cake, and we take fun pictures) but he was not going to eat the cake. He did this at his birthday party too. I guess I just have an odd kid. I did discover, after the fact, that he LOVES cookies. I guess I shouldve done a cookie cake. This kid went crazy with bites of cookie. I swear he was coming up to me going "mama mmm" (I think he was trying to say 'more'.)

After an eventful morning Eric and I are exhausted from chasing a baby. I managed to pinch a nerve in my back in the process. I might add that my awesome sister in law (Molly) helped wrangle little man as well. Without her it wouldve been a whole lot more challenging. 3 adults later...1 smashed cake...and one sleepy little boy. He had to have a bath to get all the cake icing off of him. Now, he's asleep in bed pooped. Soon I will have pictures to share with everyone.