Information Overload (read at your own risk)

I don't even know what to say. There isnt much to say really. Throughout this entire ordeal I never really thought it would get to this point. Hope? Denial? The point is here we are, and I just dont know what or how to think about it.

We met with my radiation oncologist today. He slowly walked us through what the other doctor had already told us. The cancer is back, and its bad. yes, yes... Its worse than we originally thought. I have 9 tumors/mets in my brain. However, the sack around my brain also has cancer, and the fluid is cancerous. The tumors/mets are spread out all over. Chemo doesnt reach the brain due to the blood/brain barrier so that option is out. The only thing to do is radiation. The trick with radiation? Ive already had high doses of it to my brain. The problem is melanoma is stubborn and hard to kill. High doses of radiation are needed to eradicate it. That said, parts of my brain cant take that much radiation, so we are at a problem area.

What is the plan? The plan is to have 10-18 doses of all over brain radiation. At some point they will be protecting the part of my brain thats already have radiation. This will be radiation every day until we reach our limit. After this radiation session, radiation will no longer be an option for me in the future. My brain will have all it can take. (this is the bad news) Along with that, the likely-hood of this working is slim. It may erase, slow down, or shrink some of the tumors. It may even get most, but the likely hood of them coming back is high. They are also  inoperable. So to sum this up, this treatment is just buying us time. It is not a cure.

The side effects are pretty bad. However, these effects could happen due to tumor growth just as easily as the radiation. They are as follows-
-stroke
-personality changes or loss of personality
-memory loss
-paralysis
-vision loss/ blindness
-cognitive slow down (everything takes longer to form thoughts/ideas)
-seizures
-hair loss (again going to rock the bald look)
-risk of tumor bursting (like what happened to my first one)
- and many other brain related issues

Its a bad situation no matter what route we chose. I choose to fight. Im taking the radiation as long as I can. If it buys me more time with my family, then thats what Im going to do. Some ask me if its worth it. To me it is. I would rather try to fight, then just sit here and do nothing.

There is a slim chance that all of this works. But its very very slim. The 6 month outlook with this diagnosis is 13% survival. Now, that said Ive already surpassed the last 'statistics'. According to them for my first brain tumor with lung involvement, I shouldnt be alive. So far Im still here. So that just tells you Im a "special case". The doctors when asked refuse to give me a time line. They simply say they cannot say just yet, and that we have today. I honestly think they are waiting to see how I respond to the radiation. That is what is going to tell us what to expect. As for me and my family, we are praying for the best, but preparing ourselves for the worst.

To sum up this epic long post, I have hope. Im still fighting. This is the worst news a person could get. All I could do was take a deep breath and think "that sucks", and proceed to try and crack jokes to make my husband laugh. I laugh to keep from crying. There is no use in crying, there is plenty of time for that later.