November 25th

Its been 15 days since Cassandra's death. People have been asking me what I will do with the blog now that she is gone. This will be the final entry. I thought for a while about what I could do to keep it going but this was Cassandra's blog and she wanted it to be a place where other cancer patients could go so they could see they weren't alone. She wanted to make people laugh, inform and even though it wasn't her goal, she inspired a lot of people.

Elliot and I are doing well. We are spending a lot of time with family. Elliot is never one to want to sit still long so always doing something is good with him. As per orders from Cassandra, we put up our Christmas decorations with lots of family. Everyone had a good time. Elliot enjoyed putting ornaments on the tree.

Its hard to rap up this entire blog with a single paragraph. It doesn't seem like a fitting end. Just like Cassandra's life I feel like it was cut way to short. There were so many things she wanted to do but she did manage to check off her biggest request in her life. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise her family. It may seem like a simple way of life but its what she wanted. I am sure that is a testament to what she thought of her own mother and how she wanted to be just like her.

Altogether, Cassandra and I were married for 3 years 3 months and 5 days. We dated for a little over a year before that. For over 4 years we never spent a day apart. While we were married the only nights we were apart were nights in the hospital or hospice home. Cassandra and I also worked at some of the same places. We car pooled together, ate lunch together, and drove home together. I don't know the proper analogy to put it in perspective of lose but Cassandra and I nearly spent 24 hours a day together.

The only words I can choose to describe her death is that I am crushed. I think it makes it worse that we all thought she was getting better. I know I am not the only one of her family still feeling the lose. I think we are all still struggling with her being gone. I know that at times I feel like I can round the corner into the bedroom and she will be there planning a birthday for Elliot that isn't even remotely close yet. But for right now, we are all still in mourning and will be for sometime. I know that time will heal all wounds but its going to be a while.

As previously mentioned, I have an awesome family and my awesome sister got some pictures of Elliot done with his cousins. Cassandra would have liked it to end the blog with a very cute picture of Elliot.

My Speech at Service

I thought I would tell the story of how we met because to me, it’s one of the best examples of Cassandra’s personality. Cassandra and I met after high school in 2003 when we had both entered flight school to become pilots. Along with the many flight classes we had to take we also had general elective classes just like any college major. So we had a bright and early 7:30 am English class.

Now, if she was telling you the story this is the part where she would tell you that after getting out of her car she slipped and fell into a mud puddle in the parking lot. So for her, the first day of college wasn’t going all that well. But to be honest with all of you, I never noticed the mud. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and she just so happened to walk into my English class. I remember that I was sitting near the front of the class and Cassandra sat behind me near the middle. The professor wanted our small class of about 20 to introduce ourselves since it was the first day.

 To give a little back story to myself at the time, I was lucky enough to start flying lessons just before my 16^th birthday. I was pretty proud of that fact and by the time I went to flight school I was way ahead of most of the students. So when I see a chance to impress the gorgeous girl who just walked in I took it. When it was my turn to introduce myself I stood up and said “Hi, my name is Eric. I am from Monett Missouri and I’m a pilot and I am here to complete my training and become a professional pilot.” And to finish it off, I’m not so sure I didn’t toss a wink and a single gun her way just for added affect.

The professor exclaimed “Wow, I don’t think I have had a pilot before, how exciting!” in my head I reclined in my chair cool as a cucumber and watched the women fawn over me, including Cassandra, as I’m sure I said “I know, it IS exciting.” Little did I know at the time that someone had told Cassandra that women couldn’t be good pilots. So for her, an arrogant guy standing up and bragging about it probably didn’t sit well with her.

I couldn’t wait for Cassandra to introduce herself. I wanted to know her name. After most of the class went Cassandra finally stood up. She smiled at me as she started to speak “Hi, my name is Cassie, I am from Springdale, AR and I am also training to become a pilot. I’m just not so cocky about it.”

That was Cassandra, there was nobody like her. She had the perfect mix of stubbornness and drive that made anything possible for her. A couple of days before Cassandra passed I was sitting next to her bed. She could still talk at this point but most of the time she didn’t recognize me or her family. She was laying there and I was holding her hand and suddenly she opened her eyes and looked at me and said “Hey, don’t get any ideas, I am married to a great guy.” I told her I wouldn’t think of it. She then started to hold my hand like we were going to arm wrestle. I asked her “are we going to arm wrestle? I think you are stronger than me.” She smiled at me and said “I am strong because I have to be, see, I have cancer and if I am not strong I don’t get to see my Elliot or my husband.” She fought every day to see the ones she loved. It was a battle every day and she did it smiling. So, in the end she went quickly because she had given everything. I know now that all of us have to be strong and go on without her. For me, I have to go on and raise my son the way she would have wanted. In true Cassandra form her final wishes are a pretty short and concise list of dos and don’ts. However, her Christmas list that details everything she did for Elliot is 2 pages long. I have some impossibly big shoes to fill without her here but I know I have the support of my and her family. Ill finish up by quoting Cassandra from one of her writings on her blog. “Today is for processing, tomorrow is for getting things done.” And it really is for getting things done because I have a 2 page list of Christmas preparations to start knocking out.

This morning at 2:30 AM Cassandra passed peacefully.

Eric

Saturday Update

One of the reasons Cassandra started this blog was because she couldn't find anything on the internet that told the cold hard truth on what is occurring during the cancer experience. She wanted other cancer patients to be able to find something in clear, understandable English so there were no surprises for other people. I am trying to keep that going as I am writing her blog for her. With that in mind I will talk about Cassandra now.

Cassandra's condition has not really improved. Its becoming more apparent to us that we are in the finally days. Cassandra is very confused, can barely talk and is starting to experience some pain. We have started her back on pain meds to make her more comfortable. Cassandra is not taking in enough fluids and while you can go around 30-40 days without eating, without regular fluids you can only last 7-10 days. What this means is her pulse is very high and her breathing rate has increased. All of this points to kidney failure within the next week or two. According to the doctors, around 70% of the patients in hospice pass this way. She still has strokes and seizures to worry about and those can happen at anytime but for right now kidney failure is what we are all worried about. All of this could be solved with an IV of fluid but the problem is that she would continue in her current state for 30-40 days.

 Last time we left hospice Cassandra was very much herself. She would joke with all of us, tell stories and could be clearly understood. Finding the drug we did gave her a fighting chance. Now, even if there was a drug that could help her, I don't know if we would use it. Cassandra's brain has battled for so long that quality of life is now a real issue. 

So for right now we are spending as much time as possible with her. Cherishing each little conversation we can get and every smile.

Eric

Back in Hospice Home

Doctors agree that Cassandra suffered a major stroke. We also had an MRI done yesterday. Cassandra's cancer has rapidly grown across her entire brain. With the stroke and the cancer Cassandra may never fully come back to us. Right now she is in semi-conscious state. She mostly moves her right arm and legs and then occasionally says sentences that don't make much sense. We aren't really sure if she is even able to see. Her eyes don't focus on anything and she doesn't really recognize anyone. She has been struggling to hear for the past few weeks as well and we don't know if she can hear us.

Its hard to say what will happen. Cassandra has always fought hard but at this point I feel like her spirit is willing but her body is failing. Its been 2 years of constant fighting and I think she is too tired this time. This hit so suddenly and was so debilitating that we are all finding it hard to imagine her fighting though. Whenever you come close to her bed she does reach out with her hand and will hold hands for a bit. She will squeeze your hand a couple of times almost like she knows what's happening.

Nobody knows what timeline we have. We will know after we see a trend of her health. Her vital signs are strong right now so the doctor thinks days not hours. However, Cassandra could suffer another major stroke or seizure at anytime.

I thought I would end this post on a good note. The new drug we went on gave us around 60 more days before we came back to hospice. One of the things Cassandra got to do was see Elliot go trick or treating for Halloween. This is Elliot dressed as Boba Fett from Star Wars.



 

Whenever we watched the movie he always like Boba Fett for some reason so we got him a little doll to sleep with. So when Halloween came around there was only one clear choice for a costume.

 

 

I'll keep you all updated.

Eric

 



Major Setback

Yesterday around 1:00 PM Cassandra suffered what we think was a major stroke. She was unresponsive for about 2 hours and now has very limited motor and communication skills. For the most part she does not recognize anyone and that is including me. Since waking up this morning she showed some very minor improvements but is still very far from where she was 24 hours ago.

We really don't know what this means for the future. We are still waiting to see if she recovers from this stroke like she did the last. If she doesn't improve this likely means we will be placed on hospice again and treatments will stop.

I will keep everyone updated as much as I can.

Eric

Good Pain

Hello everyone! Once again, I apologize for not writing more regularly. The Schmit family has some busy days and days/weeks fly by before we know it. Cassandra is doing great. I am happy to report she is completely off the steroids and she has not had a pain pill in 2 days. Cassandra's days are still spent mostly in bed or the living room recliner because the steroid reduction is robbing her energy. However, she is getting more active!

Cassandra's main complaints now are being tired and soreness. She is having to build all of her muscle again which means lots of little rehab sessions. She said it reminds her of running a long distance and waking up the next day. So we call it a good pain.

Cassandra's third treatment is coming up next week. Once again, the doctors are amazed by her recovery. We think that since she has little to no pain in her head and she is on no steroids that there is a possibility Cassandra could be cancer free right now. We wont know till after the 4th treatment and we do a scan but everything right now points to Cassandra heading towards a remission. This would be her third remission in 2 years. HOPEFULLY this one will stick!

Elliot is also doing well. Everyday he learns more words and is helping around the house. He is a great little helper. Most days he helps bring Mom snacks or extra blankets. He loves helping Mom and it makes his day to be apart of everything.

Thank you everyone for your continued messages of support!
Eric